Such an unexpected blessing
from someone who has walked this road already
and has not
forgotten.
(Here is my dad holding me with our childhood dog, Miss Royal.)
I opened another letter, almost a year ago now, and read what I believed to be just another kind sympathy note, when the words,
"Welcome to the Orphan's club"
caught my breath and my attention.
It was just a year ago when my father unexpectedly traveled on ahead to his "forever home." It has been a year of process for me as I walk every day as a daughter no more.
(Yes, that is me -sporting my fish with my hand on my hip- not at all camera shy! My sister is the cute little one with the groovy plaid pants and boy hair. Okay, my hair also qualifies as boy hair so I can't say too much. There is my beautiful mom and my dad in the background. The other two are friends of the family. )
The sender conveyed exactly what my heart knew but my lips refused to verbalize. With the loss of my mom, 28 years ago now, and in the wake of my father's death, I found myself not only grieving the loss of my dad, but also mourning my existence as a daughter.
As an honorary club member, I was joined by two other dear ladies who felt the sting of loss and death of not only a parent but of daughterhood. As painful as it was to read my new club membership title, it was helpful to know others understood the grieving that my soul felt. However, this is one club I wish I did not belong to.
As my mom faced her own death, she told my dad that she knew the Lord would be a mother to her daughters. I can honestly say, on the other side of the loss, that my mom's faith was well placed. God provided for her lack in ways that were real and soul sustaining, that softened the edges of our loss and simply held us.
That is the best description I can give - that in the middle of this young girl's loss of her mother, I felt "held" by my God.
Now, at the one year anniversary of my earthly father's passing, I know I am held, but I feel my loss more significantly. The sadness creeps in and covers me, threatening a freeze that whispers to destroy this tree, with its questionable root system. It is here in the deep freeze that a warm breeze blows in my mother's simple words of faith and I am reminded by the very One who carried me through so many valleys that I do belong, that I am still held, that I am not orphaned.
Sometimes I am appalled at how little progress I have made as a traveler. I expect to weather these storms better and believe I should experience sadness but it should be relegated to a two week period of grieving at which point I should be able to move on with words of wisdom and healing for all who are watching.
Instead I can only offer broken words, small steps, and invisible scars that still ache at the most unexpected times.
Today I finish this post on the first day of a new year.
I look to a new year full of certain lessons and I pray for grace to keep my roots from becoming brittle. And I am thankful for those who have been instruments of grace to me this past year and have kept me "held."
May you be "held" this new year and may you know his strength and comfort in the valleys.
Oh, yes ... He holds us in the palm of His hands. May you be embraced by His love and comfort.
ReplyDeletewhat a beautiful post about life and love and lost....
ReplyDeleteyou have a wonderful heart...
My father died almost 23 years ago - suddenly, from a massive stroke - and he still affects my life. Thanks for this.
ReplyDeleteOh, how my heart aches for you. Fortunately, both my parents are still walking this earth with us, but sometimes I am shaken to the core by an unspeakable grief over the grandparents I lost in my early high school years -- about 16 years ago now.
ReplyDeleteHow difficult it must be to carry all these feelings with you -- to continue grieving, knowing there may never be closure this side of heaven. Honestly, how can a person recover from such a grief?
I am thankful for the kind gesture that helps you on this anniversary. May continue to know that you are held and loved, and live in the hope that one day, you will be reunited with those who have gone before us to their heavenly rest.
Blessings & peace,
K
Lori, I'm so glad that I figured out how to comment on your blog. I, too, am thinking and praying for you as you go through this first anniversary. In some ways a year is so short a time. I am thinking of the snow and how it covers the brown decaying leaves, it cleans up the outside and brightens the whole earth. It is a comfort to me. Not that the brown rotting leaves are gone...but that they are covered. Your hurt and this loss is always with you but I do believe that in time God will cover and comfort...at least, that is what He has done for me. I am so touched by what you wrote. I, too, feel like my roots are not as deep and strong as they should be but praise be to God that our weak and faltering baby steps are exactly what He uses for His glory! You have encouraged me! Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteWhat you said about "being appalled at the little progress you've made as a traveler" speaks volumes to me. I may not know the same type of loss you speak of (thankfully not yet an orphan in this life), but there are times that creep into my daily existence, reminding me of just how little progress I have made as a traveler. Somehow, and for whatever reason, your words bring a measure of assurance to my soul and there is comfort there.
ReplyDeleteKnowing I'm not alone in my self-evaluation takes a bit of the sting out of my self-evaluation. I pray that as these new days of new year begin to unfold, we are kinder to ourselves in regards to our progress and we cling ever tighter to the One who continues to shape, most days in spite of us.
Keep to it.
peace~elaine
Blessings to you, dear Lori. I am so sorry I missed this anniversary. You will be in my prayers this week. May our dear Lord uphold you.
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